So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
