I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
