I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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