She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
