I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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