Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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