Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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