She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize