Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
