God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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