I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
