We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
