dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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