I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
