You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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