she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
