Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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