so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
