A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
