I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
