I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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