Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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