He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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