I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
