I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
