So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
