we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
