Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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