Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
