She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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