I think I won the penis lottery.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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