last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
