Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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