so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
