So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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