Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
