drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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