people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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