i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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