I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
