I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
