and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
