I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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