Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
