I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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