my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
