I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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