Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
