Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
