my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
