Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
