So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
