did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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