I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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