Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
